23 April 2011

I got home around 1am.  First I just sat in the dark car and felt the impact of the above musings.  In the house, sleep was elusive.  I found Kevin’s flight tracker.  It all seemed good.  Finally fell asleep around 3 ish only to awaken around 7.  Flight still seemed on target.  Kevin emailed from the flat.  A relief to hear from him. 

Fine words about shifting the center of gravity, but truth is that center of gravity is a habit as well as a state.  I am not interested in breaking the Kevin habit even as I explore a different state.

23 April 23, 2011   wee hours

Driving home from Minneapolis after a long day that started with cuddles and tears at the Garden Hilton in Eagan and ended with 10,000 Things production of Man of LaMancha, I reflected on centers of gravity.  Seems to me that the center of gravity of a long term couple is somewhere between the two people and in the couplehood.  So, my center of gravity is outside of my own body, somewhere in the ether toward Kevin.  When Kevin and I are in different locations, that does not affect the center of gravity.  But now, when he is in such a different location that we can not regularly talk, it is odd to feel a relocating.  So, alone at the Walker, a sense of shift.  No one knows where I am.  That is not unfamiliar.  But also, Kevin, specifically, is not within range.  I can not share my daily life.  Or his.  We are not orbiting each other in the same way.  For a month my center will be more within me.  I am both sad and resolved about this.  Sad at the temporary loss of my planetary system.  Resolved to make the most of an opportunity to reground.  To assess for what is most important to me.  To quit whining and sink my roots into the current version of my life.